I am puke
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
