I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
