I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
