I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
