I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
