Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
