This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
