so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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