You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
