i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
