For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
