New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
