Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
