I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
