At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
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Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
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When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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