Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
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Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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