She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
