we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
