He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
