A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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