i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
