her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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