mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
