Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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