dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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