I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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