Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
