if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
