Moan for me like Helen Keller
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
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I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
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Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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