went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
