I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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