he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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