Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
