Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
