I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
