I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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