he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
