i wish my penis had a tongue
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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