I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
