I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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