He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I have fence marks all over my body
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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