Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
