Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
