why didn't you poke me back
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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