Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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