So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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