Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize