thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
