I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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