listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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