she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
