turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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