hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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