fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
