I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
