i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS