i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
