I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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