I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you traded sex for a burrito?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
