Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
